Tools of Transformation: Tools for Healthy Loving Relationships …
?? 2012 Toby Landesman
This article begins a new series of installments of ?Tools of Transformation?. ?In this series I will explore both the fundamentals for building healthy relationships and the more challenging aspects of intimacy. Even those of us in long term relationships find there are periods of difficulty and distress, which are often hard to understand and very challenging to resolve.? I hope not only to map that ?difficult territory, but also to identify and apply the resources that make those challenges navigable. I also intend to identify and discuss the tools that can inspire intimate love and enhance the quality of friendships, partnerships, and marriages. Along the way, we will stop to consider certain matters that I believe are essential to healthy, loving relationship: emotional intelligence, interpersonal and intrapersonal acumen, and good communication.
Relationship 101
My interest in the component parts of healthy intimate relationships dates back to my meeting Hoagie Wyckoff, Joy Marcus, Claude Steiner and Carmen Kerr in 1971, while I was visiting the Radical Psychiatry Collective in Berkeley, California. Carmen had just finished writing a book on relationship entitled, ?Sex for Women Who Want to have Fun and Healthy Relationships with Equals.? She spoke enthusiastically to me and other members of our Lincoln Park therapy collective of the Three C?s of healthy relationships: Chemistry, Compatibility, and Cooperation. She believed that in order to have a good chance at building a healthy relationship, two of these three C?s needed to be present from the start. A couple could then work on their weakest link together to strengthen their connection and love for one another. She explained that people who are attracted to each other often begin a relationship based on strong chemistry alone, without really getting to know the person they desired very well; only to find out later that some very important aspects of relationship were missing. All of us listening to her ideas had experienced this problem directly in our own attempts at intimate partnerships.
At that time, Carmen, Hoagie, Joy, and Claude, the core leadership of the Berkeley collective, were particularly focused on the importance of cooperation among the members of their collective. They had come to the realization that good communication was a cooperative event. They were learning from their own experience of working together that cooperating and communicating well with one another were essential ingredients in the creation of equal partnerships between couples, group members, and organizations.
That trip to Berkeley, and the teachings that we learned from the Berkeley Radical Psychiatry Collective sparked years of thought, reflection, and exploration on all of our parts. My own personal struggle with trying to develop a truly intimate partnership catalyzed both my investment in my own healing, and my ongoing exploration of the nature of healthy intimacy. Over time in my work with couples, I decided to add to Carmen Kerr?s three C?s. First, I decided that ?Communication? should have more emphasis than it did in the original model, and should be the fourth C rather than a subset of ?Cooperation.? As I matured and began to study Zen Buddhism, I also added Compassion to this list of essential elements. I began to understand how important loving kindness and tenderness were to the growth and strength of an ongoing relationship. In this first article I will discuss the original resources that Carmen identified. I will handle ?communication? and ?compassion? in my next installment. I hope that you will find my discussion of these essential elements useful in your own relationships.
Chemistry
? 2012 Toby Landesman
Chemistry, the experience of powerful attraction to one another, is the element that most people seeking relationships desire more than anything else. If you look at the advertisements that people seeking relationships post in their on-line profiles, you will find that the words ?chemistry?, ?spark?, ?passion?, ? attraction?, and ?magnetism? appear frequently as very high priorities. This is no surprise, of course, since sexual pleasure is one of the most pleasurable of all human experiences. That pleasure is greatly heightened by the intensity of the energy exchange between two people. If you ask couples about how their relationship began, you will very likely discover that times have not changed all that much from the late 60?s and early 70?s. ?Many relationships still begin with early intimate sexual encounters that take place before we really know each other well.
One of the difficulties with a passionate beginning to relationship is that the sexual encounter itself fosters a bond between the participants. This emerging bond creates a sense of meaningful connection between people. Unfortunately, this connection, though palpable, may not be grounded in reality. The bond that is developing between us as new lovers compels our going forward with the relationship before we know what the relationship?s actual potential is. Only by spending meaningful time with the person we want to get to know will we begin to understand who this person actually is. Only then will we begin to discover what we are capable of creating together. This time together will also begin to highlight potential difficulties and weaknesses that exist between us that will need to be addressed if we desire to build a life together.
Another very important matter in beginning a sexual relationship was highlighted for me by my first therapist, Mark Skinner, who surprised our therapy group with this bit of wisdom, ?You need to teach your new lover how to make love to you. No one can know intuitively how to love another person sexually, no matter how ?good? a lover they are. This reality necessitates our entering the vulnerable arena of sexual communication with one another.? I still recall the sense of shock and uncertainty that ran through me on hearing his words. I considered myself a good lover, who instinctively knew how to pleasure a woman. My previous sexual partners would have taken issue with my prized illusion had I given them the chance. The truth of the matter for me was that I was uncomfortable talking personally about either my personal sexual preferences or those of my partners. Over my years of working with couples, I have discovered that this kind of disclosure is a problem for many people.
The exciting aspect of learning to reveal ourselves with our partners is that ?Chemistry? in our relationships can be improved and heightened by good communication. Instead of letting our partners know what ?isn?t working? after some months of unsatisfying love making, we can head that problem off by communicating what we enjoy sexually. Even though doing so may cause feelings of vulnerability, the experience of each of us sharing this information with one another will often enhance our potential for sexual pleasure and satisfaction.? Being honest and open in revealing of our pleasures makes it possible to work on our chemistry together. By doing so, we can effectively challenge the popular notion that the quality of a couple?s sexual experience with one another cannot be changed.
Compatibility
? ? 2012 Toby Landesman
Carmen Kerr taught that the second essential element in relationship building is ?Compatibility.? While this term is often used to describe our sexual relationships, as in ?we are sexually compatible,? it actually has a much broader application. Compatibility refers to the common ground that we can create and share with another person. It references what we have in common with the person that we are getting to know. Having someone to share experiences that we love and value is what single people long for, but in this arena we often discover the daunting reality that each of us has a unique point of view and unique opinions. Our individual lives and what we love to do with them may or may not match up. For this reason, the beginning of relationship requires us to disclose our pleasures and our preferences and to be open to the disclosures of the person that we are getting to know. Frequently, we expect that the things that we like will automatically be appreciated by Mr. or Ms. Right, and we can become very disappointed when we experience resistance to something that we adore, from someone we are strongly attracted to. These occasions of disappointment can actually become opportunities for getting to know one another at a deeper level. What is required of us is that we disclose ourselves openly about the things we love and how we came to love them, without judgment, criticism, or evaluation of someone who has different preferences and opinions.
While sexual intimacy is the direct sharing of sexual experience with another, there is another kind of intimacy that is equally important to building a healthy relationship. This is the intimacy of self-disclosure, the open revelation of our life experiences, the communication of what has formed us and of what we feel about ourselves, our lives, and our intentions. This kind of intimacy invites another person into our lives, and presents who we are in the context of our discreet personal experience. Revealing oneself in this way creates the possibility of our potential partner understanding who we are and what we love, and invites them to join us in our pursuits and pleasures. Someone who thinks they hate opera or skateboarding may find that they judged the experience before they knew what it was really like to experience it. So risking the sharing of experiences that we are not familiar with can open us to new horizons while we are creating new closeness with our partners.
Cooperation
Carmen Kerr?s third C, ?Cooperation,? is an essential element of relationship that nearly all couples need to work on. Because we have all grown up in a hierarchical, competitive society, most of us are much more accomplished at the skills of self-assertion and competitiveness than we are with the skill of cooperation. Working together with another person requires the ability to listen and communicate, and the ability to follow as well as lead. This is challenging work for everyone. We most often want to be leaders rather than followers. We want to get what we want, rather than give in to someone else?s desires or directions. This reality often leads to power struggles for dominance in relationships. Partly because the Patriarchal ?Father knows best? attitude no longer receives blanket acceptance, and of the emerging recognition of the importance of equality between the genders, we need to co-create a new model of shared leadership. There must be room for the knowledge and expertise of both partners, and an appreciation of one another?s gifts and talents for a relationship to run smoothly and happily.
Cooperation includes sharing the work of life with each other. Although each of us may excel in some areas and not so much in others, most of life?s chores can be mastered by everyone. Gender conflicts over who should do what task can often be ameliorated by each person?s willingness to learn the tasks involved in living together. Even if Mom always cooked and did the dishes when we were children, we can break down the gender stereotypes by teaching each other what we know about the work of living life together. In doing so, we must learn to take turns in sharing our knowledge and expertise. Turn taking is not just for kindergarteners. It is a skill that will foster not only cooperation and sharing, but good communication skills as well.
Cooperation in intimate relationships can also be fostered by learning to plan together whatever needs to be accomplished, whether it?s cleaning the house or doing a carpentry project. Good planning requires us to agree to a time to meet together to talk over whatever is important to us, and then to block out, much as a theater director would do, how each of us will participate in reaching the desired destination. Since we are working toward developing equal partnerships, both partners can take turns thinking out loud about how the desired outcome might be reached. Using a brain storming approach where all suggestions are allowed without criticism in the beginning of the planning session, and then are later refined as the actual plan is developed, is an approach that leads to good cooperation. In this brain storming session, both participants can feel heard and appreciated as long as all suggestions are equally valued.
Cooperation depends on our willingness to take each other seriously, and to appreciate what each of us contributes to the relationship. Learning to lead with our abilities to be accepting, understanding, and appreciative of each other will make the road we travel together a much smoother one, and will enhance the enjoyment we share on the journey.
? ? 2012 Toby Landesman
I am aware that these tools and resources may seem so obvious and simple to use, that it is easy to discount their importance. I know also that many of my readers are quite accomplished in many of these basic skills. I decided to include them in my ?Relationship 101? article, because I suspect that each of us may need to be reminded of our ?inferior functions? as Carl Jung called our ?underdeveloped? aspects of personality. I know for myself that although I am skilled in cooperation and communication, I don?t always give voice to what I am feeling and thinking about the current experience of my relationship. As the immortal Sheldon Kopp would say, ?Too often I don?t say what I mean. Too often I don?t mean what I say. Too often I don?t know what I feel.? So I am hopeful that explicating some of the ins and outs of Chemistry, Compatibility, and Cooperation will be of some use to all of us. In my next installment, I will take up the two C?s of relationship that I have added to the mix, Communication and Compassion. Please feel free to leave your questions, comments, and critiques in the space provided below. I promise to respond as we continue to work on the evolution of fun, loving and healthy relating. I offer my heartfelt thanks to Toby Landesman for her beautiful photographs and her editorial assistance.
? 2012 Toby Landesman
Written by Thomas Goforth
Newtopia staff writer THOMAS GOFORTH is a psychotherapist and pastoral counselor working in Chicago, IL. He was ordained to the Episcopal priesthood in 1967 and served as Chaplain to the Cook County Jail and the Chicago House of Correction while working for St. Leonard?s House, one of the first halfway houses in the country.. He did draft counseling and community organizing during the Viet Nam War, and was one of the founding members of the Lincoln Park Therapy Collective, an all volunteer organization which provided free group therapy for people living on the North Side of Chicago from 1968 until the mid 80?s.He helped organize the first crisis phone line in Chicago, and later helped train the staff counselors for Kool Aide Youth Emergency Services and Metro Help. He was an actor in the Free Theater Company and Rapid Transit Guerrilla Communications, two groundbreaking political theater companies performing in Chicago during the late 60?s and early 70?s. In the 80?s he helped found the Milton H. Erickson Institute of Chicago and became its third president and a member of its teaching faculty. At the invitation of Charles Shaw, he became the acting ?Pit Boss? of the New Poetry Collective, the poetry arm of Newtopia Magazine in its first incarnation. Follow him at Twitter @thomas_goforth.
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Iran talks to continue, both sides see progress
VIENNA (AP) ?
U.N. nuclear negotiators seeking to probe Tehran‘s nuclear program for signs of secret work on atomic-weapons technology spoke of a good exchange of views Tuesday after talks with Iranian officials, who described the meeting as having made progress.
Neither side elaborated on the substance of their talks. But in another indication that some common ground had been found after more than four years of stalled discussions, both said the talks would resume Monday.
International Atomic Energy Agency officials had entered the talks seeking more cooperation from Iran in their attempts to investigate what the agency sees as strong indications that Tehran has conducted research and development on components of a nuclear weapons program ? something Iran strenuously denies.
In particular, they were pressing for access to a site at Iran’s Parchin military facility that they suspect was used to test multipoint rapid explosives of the kind needed to set off a nuclear charge. Iran has denied such tests have taken place but has fended off repeated IAEA requests over the past three months for quick access.
Those requests have taken on added urgency after agency officials suggested that Tehran was cleaning up the site. Diplomats say the IAEA has seen satellite imagery showing what appear to be streams of water coming out of the building in question and of removal of bags from inside into waiting trucks.
Tehran last month said a visit was possible but only after “modalities” were worked out, and diplomats accredited to the IAEA and critical of Iran’s nuclear program have expressed concern that could turn into a drawn-out process that would allow Iran to “sanitize” the site of any signs of the explosives tests.
Chief Iranian delegate Ali Asghar Soltanieh indicated Iran is continuing to insist on a comprehensive plan on what could be visited when. He told reporters the talks resulted in “progress … regarding the preparation of modalities of a framework for resolving our outstanding issues.” He spoke of a “fruitful discussion in a very conducive environment.”
IAEA Deputy Director General Herman Nackaerts was more circumspect. He said the two sides had talked about “a number of options to take the agency verification process forward in a structured way.”
Describing the meeting as focusing on “unclarified issues related to possible military dimensions of Iran’s nuclear program,” Nackaerts said “we had a good exchange of views.”
Nackaerts went into the first set of talks Monday saying the IAEA was looking to visit facilities where it suspected such secret nuclear work was ongoing, as well as interview scientists it suspects of involvement and look at relevant documents. All are goals the agency says have been stymied by Iran’s refusal to cooperate.
The Islamic Republic describes such allegations as fabrications, based on phony evidence from the United States, Israel and their allies and says its nuclear program is geared only toward producing energy.
The agency, in a November report, said the tests at Parchin were conducted in 2003 in a metal containment chamber the Iranians covered by erecting a building over it.
A computer-generated drawing provided to the AP by a nation critical of Iran’s nuclear program late last week shows such a structure, with the official who shared it saying it was drawn based on information from someone who saw it.
Former IAEA Deputy Director Olli Heinonen says it jibes with a photo he has seen that depicts the chamber, down to the matching colors. A senior diplomat familiar with the IAEA probe says Iran has never acknowledged or denied the chamber’s existence. He requested anonymity because his information was privileged.
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Ematic announces eGlide XL Pro Android 4.0 slate for $220
Ematic clearly isn’t aiming to differentiate itself when it comes to tablet designs, but then again, the company is a devotee of that tried-and-true method of undercutting its competitors’ prices. (Remember that impossibly cheap PMP?) Its just-announced Android 4.0 slate, the eGlide XL Pro 2, may not be a “standout device” as the outfit proclaims, but it does look and act like a tablet — for a Walmart-friendly $220. The 10-inch Pro 2 runs a 1GHz processor and a 400MHz GPU with 4GB of storage (expandable to 32GB via microSD card), and it isn’t penny-pinching to the point of forgoing an HDMI connection. While it lacks Google services such as access to the Play market, the eGlide XL cushions its pre-load with the Ematic App Shop, a voice assistant and the Kobo eReader app. If you’re in the market for any old tablet, get more acquainted with the Pro 2 in the presser below.
Continue reading Ematic announces eGlide XL Pro Android 4.0 slate for $220
Ematic announces eGlide XL Pro Android 4.0 slate for $220 originally appeared on Engadget on Tue, 08 May 2012 02:46:00 EDT. Please see our terms for use of feeds.
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Fallen Giant Kodak Is Taking Hosting Service Offline. For Good. [Kodak]
After being purchased by the photo-hosting site Shutterfly for $23.8m last month, Kodak Gallery, the photo-hosting service of one-time giant Kodak, will be taken offline for good, July 2. Users of the service were notified today by email, along with a request to please notify Kodak no later than May 28 if they wish to have their photos migrated over to Shutterfly’s servers. More »
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It’s human nature (and human folly) to pretend like we know what our dogs are actually thinking about. Oh, he’s happy! Oh, he’s tired! Oh, he loves this! That’s not exactly a scientific way to look at things. Brain scans, however, are super scientific. So scanning the brains of dogs means its possible to know what dogs are really thinking. More »
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Afghan child bride’s in-laws sentenced for torture
FILE- In this Saturday, Jan. 7, 2012 file photo, Afghan doctors, unseen, dress the tortured ear of Sahar Gul, 15-year-old at a hospital in Kabul, Afghanistan. The in-laws of a child bride who became the bruised and bloodied face of women’s rights in Afghanistan have been sentenced to 10 years in prison for torture, abuse and human rights violations, a judge said Saturday, May 5, 2012. (AP Photo/Musadeq Sadeq, File)
FILE- In this Saturday, Jan. 7, 2012 file photo, Afghan doctors, unseen, dress the tortured ear of Sahar Gul, 15-year-old at a hospital in Kabul, Afghanistan. The in-laws of a child bride who became the bruised and bloodied face of women’s rights in Afghanistan have been sentenced to 10 years in prison for torture, abuse and human rights violations, a judge said Saturday, May 5, 2012. (AP Photo/Musadeq Sadeq, File)
KABUL, Afghanistan (AP) ? The in-laws of a child bride who became the bruised and bloodied face of women’s rights in Afghanistan have been sentenced to 10 years in prison for torture, abuse and human rights violations, a judge said Saturday.
The plight of 15-year-old Sahar Gul captivated the nation and set off a storm of international condemnation when it came to light in late December. Officials said her husband’s family kept her in a basement for six months after her arranged marriage, ripping out her fingernails, breaking her fingers and torturing her with hot irons in an attempt to force her into prostitution.
She was rescued by police in northeastern Baghlan province after an uncle alerted authorities.
Gul’s husband’s father, mother and sister were each sentenced to 10 years in prison by a court in Kabul on Tuesday, presiding judge Sibghatullah Razi said.
Also found guilty were Gul’s husband, a member of the Afghan army, and her brother-in-law, both of whom have been on the run since her case became public, Razi said. He said the men will be sentenced when they are captured.
Gul was present for the decision, telling the court that she wanted her in-laws “severely punished” for what they had put her through, Razi said. She has filed an appeal for a longer sentence with the help of the Women for Afghan Women, a group that works for women’s rights in the country and has been caring for the teenager since her rescue.
“Of course we are not happy with the court’s decision,” said Huma Safi, program manager for the group.
Gul’s case has prompted calls for more efforts to strengthen women’s rights and end underage marriage. The legal marriage age in Afghanistan is 16, but the United Nations agency UN Women estimates that half of all girls are forced to marry under age 15.
There has been progress in women’s rights since the 2001 U.S.-led campaign that toppled the Taliban regime, which banned girls’ schools and prevented women from leaving the house unless accompanied by a male relative.
But ending abuse remains a huge challenge in Afghanistan’s patriarchal society, where traditional practices include child marriage, giving girls away to settle debts or pay for their relatives’ crimes and so-called honor killings in which women seen as disgracing their families are murdered by their relatives.
Gul, who had been married for seven months when she was found in late December, is still seeing doctors for some problems with her hands and fingers, but is doing better both physically and emotionally, Safi said. She said the girl is now very interested in studying, very different from when she first arrived.
She also has made great progress in her efforts to become comfortable around other people again, Safi said.
“She was very brave. When she was brought to us after her rescue, she was unable to speak. But this week she was able to get up and speak in front of an entire courtroom asking for her rights,” Safi said.
“These are all positive signs and of course we are very proud of her.”
___
Associated Press writer Chris Blake in Kabul contributed to this report.
Associated Press
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How Small Businesses Should Be Using Direct Mail Marketing …
?
By Johann Williamson
Direct mail marketing is still a very powerful engine of small business growth. Even the rise of the internet has not displaced it, a fact which may be surprising to many, as it has been predicted time and again that the various electronic media would supplant traditional forms of communication, most particularly print.
The only place where this has proven to be true is in the music industry, where digital downloads have taken the place of older media. But of course music is exceptional, because it is an end in itself. Nobody is going to download hundreds of ads and listen to them or watch them for enjoyment.
And this brings us to a fact of life which all marketers, particularly in the broadcast media, must understand and accept: people avoid ads and marketing messages whenever they can, and they must be tempted in some manner in order to get them to pay attention.
Getting people to pay attention to broadcast or print media ads is several orders of magnitude more difficult than getting them to listen to music they enjoy. This is because obstacles have to be overcome. Some ways that these obstacles are overcome are
by placing the ads in the middle of shows or sporting events which people want to watch, or
in newspapers or magazines they like to read, or
by making the ads entertaining in and of themselves.
In other words, using entertainment to sell products through advertising is like the song, ?A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.?
And so why use direct mail? Direct mail is very different from broadcast media.
Here are some ways to look at the difference:
Whereas broadcast media hopes to draw people in by the use of entertainment, direct mail goes after the people who are believed to be good potential customers.
Broadcast media constantly strives to find new ways to entertain.
Direct mail constantly strives to identify real customers.
Broadcast media strives to be as broad in its message as possible.
Direct mail campaigns try to be as targeted as possible.
Broadcast media is, in a sense, blind. It throws out its message and hopes that someone will be moved to act. Direct mail campaigns try to be as clear-eyed as possible.
Broadcast media ads cost the same amount of money whether one thousand people see the ad or one hundred thousand people see it. With direct mail, each person you mail to costs you a set amount of money.
Direct mail has sharp vision: it uses such tools as analysis of customer buying habits in order to narrow down its focus to the best possible customers and to speak directly to them. Broadcast media targets everybody the same way and hopes for the best.
And so when you think in terms of direct mail, you have to take a different approach than the broadcast advertisers do. Obviously you have to have printed marketing materials which are well-designed and they can be enjoyable to read. However, the focus of a direct mail campaign needs always to be figuring out who your real customers are. If you are willing and able to do the homework, direct mail marketing can be the most cost-effective form of advertising there is.
The author, who is associated with Conquest Graphics, is a nationally recognized expert on all aspects of printing, print marketing, the internet and social media. Contact Conquest today for a discussion about how a direct mail campaign can help you grow your business.
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